Saturday 25th September 2021 @ 07:45am, sat in triage with a Dr doing an emergency scan after the midwife struggled to find my baby’s heartbeat. I was told the worst thing any expectant mother could be told ‘I’m so sorry’. Those 3 words will haunt me forever. I rang my sister and she came to the hospital. A few minutes later we were transferred to a delivery suite, with minimal medical equipment. When we walked in I noticed there were small touches to try and make it less like a hospital environment. There was a night sky projector light, electric candles and some artificial plants on the windowsill. My midwife Emma explained what was going to happen next asked about my birth plan and found out exactly what I wanted when my baby arrived. She was absolutely amazing all day, she was so calming and quietly supportive. She was exactly what I needed when my whole world had stopped spinning. I was induced at 12:30pm and labour start quite soon after, my waters broke at 18:30pm. There was a shift change at 20:00pm and Emma said her goodbyes and told me that Jane would be taking over my care when she left. Jane came in to introduce herself, she was completely different to Emma but again just what I needed. She was a reassuring presence and gave me the encouragement I needed to get through. My mum and sister were with me and I honestly couldn’t of got through the day without them. The midwifes made the room as calming as it could be and at 22:15pm My baby was born, wrapped in a towel and passed straight to me to find out the sex. There he was My son. I scooped him up instinctively and held him close. My dad came up to the hospital to meet his youngest grandson. Hours later I was asked if I wanted a shower and soon after I was told I was going to be transferred to the snowdrop suite. Walking up I had no idea what to expect. Walking in with my son and my mum, it was like a hotel room in the hospital. A double bed, a small table with 2 chairs, a big armchair, another night sky projector, a humidifier, a comfy chair, a bathroom, a small kitchen, another  and the most important the cot right next to the bed. I was told I could stay here for aslong as I needed and my mum could stay with me. We spent 3 full days and nights here with Atlas. Getting him dressed and changed, taking pictures, close family and friends visiting, making memories. The midwifes on the ward (c3) were absolutely amazing and again were quietly supportive Olivia, Tilly, Liz, Pam. The lotus team is made up of bereavement midwifes and are absolutely incredible. They sort everything out for you, things you would never of thought of, to allow you that precious time to make, the only physical memories with your much loved and longed for baby. Olivia was my bereavement midwife while I was staying in the snowdrop, she went above and beyond anything I could ever of expected. She was so caring, empathetic, real and informative. She helped me make as many memories with Atlas as I could by taking hand and foot prints and even made me casts of them, giving Atlas and me teddies to swap over when we say goodbye, they took pictures of Atlas to create a photo album for me. When I decided it was time to leave the hospital I was told I could come back and see Atlas at anytime I just needed to call before I came. They have an amazing room next to the snowdrop suite called Lily’s room. This is where the sleeping babies are put to bed. The staff on the ward were always checking on the babies which made me feel so much better knowing my baby boy was being looked after while I wasn’t there. All the staff talked to Atlas and told me how beautiful he is, it’s little things like this that help with your journey to acceptance. I am so proud of my son and for other people to comment on him makes my heart swell with pride. Leaving the snowdrop was emotional I felt like I had made such a connection with these people, they had supported me through the hardest and traumatic days of my life. The care doesn’t stop when you leave the hospital the lotus team are there to support you during your stay in hospital and for how ever long you need them after. This service and facility is absolutely incredible. A week after first walking onto C3 and into the snowdrop suite I visited Atlas for the last time. I was leaving the hospital without my baby boy but what I did have was so many special memories I would never of had the opportunity to make if it wasn’t for the snowdrop suite and lotus team.